Tony visits with his Birth Mother: Miniature Golf in San Jose

Music Review: Michael McLean: Hold on the Light Will Come

Hold On, the Light will Come: And Other Lessons my Songs Have Taught Me.  (2003)

I have been enjoying a Michael McLean C.D. we gave ourselves for Christmas.  It is actually a book )read by Michael McLean) with songs.  McLean is someone with the talent I wish I had.  He talks about the ups and downs of his career.  However, from my perspective it has mostly been up.

Some of his songs really hit home, and a conversation of those I really like.

“From God’s Arms, to My Arms, to Yours:”  This is an adoption song from the perspective of the birth mother.  Tony, our adoptive son has really liked this song, as have Sheri and I.  It seems for my part, I cry more each time I listen to it.  I remember when I first help Baby Tony.  He was tiny.  They didn’t let him out of the hospital until he reached five pounds.  He started at four pounds seven ounces.  Sheri had visited him at the hospital, but I did not meet him until Sheri brought him home.  I was so proud (yes proud is the right word) of our little baby.  I felt he would be my boy forever, even though I knew that wasn’t true at the time.  However now it is true; and this song brings up those treasured memories for me.

“The Man of Many Names:”  This song I had heard before from “The garden” C.D.  I still enjoy it, and I am getting to where I can almost sing along.  This song is a testimony of Jesus’ love for us, and the price he pays for us.  This song comes with a story of Simon Peter and Jesus walking on water.  I really enjoy the insight.  Jesus will always save us if we cry out to him, and we should not doubt this.

“The Innkeeper Song” from Forgotten Carols:  This is a new song to me.  Now I am crazed with the idea of learning to sing it well enough to sing next Christmas, if I can find someone to let me sing.  What would the Innkeeper perspective be, and what would he sing now if he could.  This song gives a very good answer.  “Even a thousand years would not fully erase my shame.”  “Let Him in.”

“Which Part is Mine:” This song has quickly become one of my favorites.  It starts as a song about roles, and learning our own part; but it ends as a song about prayer, and that is why I enjoy it.  It helps me commit to being better at praying, which is something I really need.  This song has helped me improve my prayers.  “After I've done my best, I know you'll do the rest, Because You hear me.

McLean does very well with hardship, with love, with life in general.

Adoption Discussion 9: Suicide: Something to be Aware of

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/09/11/adopted-teens-may-be-at-higher-risk-suicide/

Fox news sides presented this story.  It sides two studies, one in Sweden and the other in the U.S. with mostly foreign, Asian adopted children; who as teens show a statistical great likelihood to be at risk for suicide.  The U.S. study said there was a greater chance for suicide attempts, not completed suicides.  The other study, may not apply to our adoption stories. 
Then the story down plays the findings, saying they may not actually apply to American adoption.  However it also states that the things which may apply is the genetic predispositions towards substance abuse or to other conditions which may increase the likelihood for suicide.
The other risk factor is the possibility of trauma before a child is placed with the adoptive family.  This may also be a factor which could increase the risk of suicide as a teenager.  Nationwide, suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenager.  Nationwide there are 4600 teens suicides annually in America.
Suicide hotline, 1*855*275*7204  Santa Clara County
National Hotline  1*800*273*8255

Movie Night: ***^ Xanadu (Olivia Newton John)

Xanadu 1980
This is my continuation of watching the musicals available through Instant Netflix.  The selection is rather slim.  Sheri and I enjoyed this one when we were younger.  It actually came out a couple years before we were married.  Olivia Newton John stars as Kira, a muse.  Gene Kelley as Danny McGuire, is a former love interest of the muse, and the current love interest, Sonny Malone is played by Michael Beck.  The story explains a muse is not allowed to have a permanent relationship, but they are to help people’s dreams come through.  The dream in this case is for the two men, who are partners, to get a club going which they call Xanadu.  When the muse has to leave as the dream is fulfilled, Sonny is depressed and miserable, as Danny was 30 years ago.  He goes after her.  He runs through a mural, into the realm of the muses.  Because of this great love, she is granted a day to come back and see the opening day of the club.  She still has to leave in the end, but they do get a day.  This show has good musical, and a story line that works.  I don’t know what it is with all the roller skating.  Maybe it was a think for the time, roller skates, not roller blades.  There is a twist at the end.

Inter-Country Adoption

Inter-Country Adoption.
In 1980 I wrote an essay on inter-country adoption.  I want to revisit what I said at that time.  Inter-country adoption is in the news lately as Russia has decided not to allow their children to be adopted out of country.  Currently about 136,000 (2008) children are adopted each year.  Of this number, about 13 to 14 percent are inter-country adoptions.  https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/adopted0708.pdf

There were 5,633 transnational adoptions in 1975, which represented a big increase over previous years.  Inter-country adoption continued to expand.  This increase in the rate of adoption occurred during a time when the total number of adoptions was going down.  In the article I wrote, I speculated several reasons for this trend.

The increased number of abortions affected the number of children available for adoption.  In 1976 there were 1,115,000 abortions in the United States.  The number of abortions peeked in 1990 when 1.6 million abortions were performed and since there has been a slow decline.  However, there has not been a year with less than 1,000,000 abortions.  In 2008 there were 1.21 million abortions in the U.S.  They rate has been steady at 1.2 million abortions annually for some time.  With this number of abortions, the number of children available for adoption has decreased.

Another force leading to a lack of adoptable children is the number of children being kept by their birth parents.  In 1980 it was estimated 93 percent of mothers who were to bear illegitimate children planned to keep them. 

The trend of available white babies fell steadily for some time, and has never recovered.  Much of the focus for adoption went to social services and efforts to get children permanent homes rather than languishing in foster care.  In 2008 half of all adoptions were through private parties.  This would include stepparent adoption.  Over a third of the adoptions were through social service agencies.  Finally about fifteen percent are inter-country adoptions.
Another factor which has influenced the number of international adoptions was a change in attitudes of people towards people of different ethnic backgrounds.  To summarize this subject I quoted from Inter-country Adoption guidelines 1980:
As the availability of young adoptive children in the United States lessened, and as more parents sought to adopt, the inter-country adoption movement gained momentum.  Increased numbers of families began to seek out foreign-born children, not only through the more established U.S. based agencies, but also through independent search of the contacts within countries that placed orphaned children for adoption with families in the United States.

Adopting a child internationally can be a complex process, with the U.S. government being involved, State governments, foreign governments as well as local agencies.  A visa is required to bring the child into the country.  INS requires a home study be completed.  The example of Russia, which recently said they would not let children be adopted in the U.S. highlights some of these problems.  This is more a political issues, but it was justified in the minds of the Russian government by the for-profit nature of the adoption business. 

There are a couple of things to be aware of with regards to inter-country adoption.  Some couples have brought children home with inaccurate information about their history or health history.  At times children have been adopted with a history of sexual molestation, and the adopted family was not aware.  Also there have been children placed with serious health problems.  Some countries do not do thorough medical examinations before a child is sent for adoption.

Perhaps a more serious problem is helping children adjust to their new environment.  Dr.  T Barry Brazelton contended there was a condition known as adjustment shock which made children newly placed more susceptible to mental as well as physical ailment.  None severe illness could become severe when placed on top of an adjustment shock.  Also there is a shock experienced by a family.  In a pregnancy, the family has nine months to prepare.  Such is not always the case with adoption where there is uncertainty about the actual timing of the placement. 

Another issue with regards to children, as they age is that of identity.  Adopted children deal with an identity, generally during teenage years.  “Who am I?” is a common question.  This crisis can be more serious for those who not only experience personal identity issues, but also social identity issues.  However, studies have determined that this effect is not as serious as might be expected.  Differences in adjusting may depend on the home rather than the adoption of the child.  (see Melissa Norvell and Rebecca Guy, “A comparison of Self-concept in Adopted and Non-adopted Adolescents.  Adolescence, Vol 12(47) Fall 1977.

As a result of these concerns, there has been a trend to more open adoptions, and helping children contact birth parents.  However truthfully, only a small percentage of children have these issues.

Inter-country will exist as long as there are parents seeking adoptive children, and children needing homes.  It has been a great resource for helping children have a stable life, when they would flounder otherwise.  I concluded this essay, quoting a song by Vivencia, a group from Argentina.  This song reminds me of children (and sometimes adults) who use to come onto the buses or trains and leave candy on the seats, hoping someone would take the candy and leave money.  You can see the lyrics here with English translation;http://whilhelmsthoughts.blogspot.com/2013/02/vivencia-pequeno-pasajero.html or listen to the song.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI2l4JtC6Sk

Book Report: Helping Children Cope with Loss and Separation

This is a report I wrote while attending graduate school.  It is written by Claudia L. Jewett, The Harvard Common Press, 1982.  Claudia Jewett was a pioneer in large adoptive families, and thus providing a home for older children.  I don’t know what foster care caseworker and adoption workers read these days, but I feel her books should be required reading.  I am reviewing this book report to remind myself in my daily interaction with my children, who each struggle with separation in their own way.
This is the second book I have read written by Claudia Jewett.  Her other book, Adopting the Older Child, has been accepted as a basic text for people thinking about adopting and for adoption workers.  This book compliments her earlier work fairly well and I feel will also be accepted as a basic text for child care workers and parents who deal with children suffering from loss.  The ideas, thoughts, treatment methods and experiences have helped me gain a greater understanding of the grieving process involved with a loss and how to help a child work through a separation. 
Each chapter deals with a different aspect of loss—from telling a child about the loss, to finishing the grieving work and moving on.  The first chapter deals with telling a child about a loss.  Jewett feel the person closest to the child should tell her about the loss.  The message should be as strait forward and honest as possible.  Any possibility of the lost person returning should be explored realistically and any questions should be answered. 
In the second chapter the author presents an outline of the grieving process.  She includes three stages: early grief, acute grief and subsiding grief.  Each of these stages has several substages. 
Under early grief Jewett includes shock and numbing, alarm, and denial.  This stage includes the initial shock and reaction to the loss.  Quite often the child withdraws or behaves in a robotish fashion.  Feelings of vulnerability and fear of another loss are also included in this stage.  Another thing to look for in this stage are physical reactions to the loss—sleep and eating patterns, muscular tension, and hyperactivity.
The second stage of the grieving process is acute grief.  It includes: yearning and pining, searching, strong feelings, disorganization, despair and reorganization.  This stage includes fantasies that some way things will work out for the better (I’ll get them back some way); searching; dealing with feelings of sadness, anger, guilt and shame; despair with the reality.  This stage finally includes a step in the right direction, reorganization of the child’s life.
The final stage, integration of loss and grief gives the child a sense of mastery.  The child realizes the worst possible thing happened and she survived.
The third chapter of this book deals with working with feelings.  Often times a child has difficulty expressing feelings because of family norms which indicate feelings are not acceptable.  Jewett suggests several techniques to help children come to grips with their own feelings.  The most notable is the five faces technique.  The worker identifies five basic emotions: sadness, anger, happiness, fear and loneliness.  The child is encouraged to draw pictures of how she looks when she feels these particular emotions.  Several games can then be played using these emotion cares—What feeling is this?, When do you feel this way?, storytelling and several more.
The child’s need to make sense of the loss is the topic of the fourth chapter.  An important concern is the child’s tendency to blame herself for the loss.  A worker can assess this problem in a child by asking directly, observing developmental behavior or asking indirectly.  The author also gives suggestions for talking to the child about specific reasons for the loss—abuse or abandonment, mental illness, imprisonment, incest, parental immaturity, neglect, alcohol or drug abuse, physical illness, and parental rejection.  This section is a good reference. 
This chapter also includes an important section on helping the child understand their own personal history.  She suggests several different methods; using a time line for younger children and a time graph for older children, storytelling with doll figures or puppets, and using a life story or history book.
The fifth chapter deals with the child’s loss of self esteem as a result of the loss.  It is very easy for a child to feel negatively about herself after a loss.  To explain this concept Jewett uses the bucket comparison.  In the bucket we contain our self esteem which is filled by what others say of us and how they treat us.  In the case of separation it is very hard to fill the bucket because of the losing a caretaker and needing a person to fill the bucket.  Many children resort to negative behavior to get attention.  To combat this a worker can teach positive ways to fill the bucket, use praise to restore self esteem and teaching the child to make good choices for herself.
The final chapter deals with letting go.  Because the child has already experienced loss, the termination of work with a child should be a gradual process.  In the final meeting the worker should be as open as possible about her own feelings, “I am glad you’re doing so much better, but I’m sad I won’t be able to see you anymore.”
This book is a useful tool for working with children experiencing loss.  As a future child caseworker I can see how a periodic review of this book will enhance the services I might be able to render.  The philosophy and ideas presented are an important part of the knowledge needed to be an effective caseworker.
The professor, Orla Shaw added this note: The age of the child makes a great difference in what you do! “Younger” and “Older” are not specific enough.  I would have liked more of your own ideas.  I’m glad to know about the book which I have not read. 

Discussion on Adoption 8: Birth Parents

For Tony's birthday, we are going to have a party with his birth family.  He has a cousin he needs to meet.  He also has a birth mother who has not seen him for a while.
Tony has matured, and he is beginning to understand birth parents and adoptive parents.  He understands that he was carried in the tummy of his birth mother, but he is carried in the hearts of Sheri and I each and every day.
Sheri shared a blog she follows with me, and I found this song, which talks about birth parents and adoptive parents.  This is from an album called sharing.  We have chosen Tony, and love him
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCToSWHpTEM

This is the blog spot Sheri was talking about
http://www.therhouse.com/

Discussion on Adoption 7: Drug Exposure

One concern with regards to adoption, is the baby has not always been under your care, even if you adopt a newborn.  There is history with the birth mother, and even bonding with the birth mother through  rhythms and the beating of the mother's heart.  There is a disruption in the bonding process when the baby or child is placed with another set of parents.  This is a disruption in the attachment process.

It was this reason that we fought so hard to keep Tony.  He had gone through three disruptions in his first year of life, and we did not want him to go through a fourth.  We had bonded to Tony when he was an infant, and then we went to live with a cousin.  He later came back to us, and we reattached quickly, he with us and us with him.  We did not want him to go through any more separations.

Another fear for an adoptive couple is the in vitro history of the child.  This could include drug exposure.  A fear in our area is that of exposure to methamphetamine.
http://health.utah.gov/meth/html/Healthconcerns/Children.html#prenat
This article covers these concerns.  First in talks about the immediate effects, prenatal birth and low-birth weight.  Tony has gone through both of these, and has come out of it wonderfully.  He was four pounds seven ounces and was born six weeks early.  As a result growing up his legs were weak.  However he has overcome that by climbing up slides and jumping on trampoline.  We got him a small trampoline when he was little.  He is very strong now, and has always been very strong in his upper body.  He loves monkey bars and climbing things.
His other physical short coming was the tendency to retain water in his kidney.  He has pretty much over come this, but he still has to go in for ultrasound every year to make sure he is OK.
The article above also talks about neurological effects, which are not necessarily permanent.  Tony does get "stubborn" at times, meaning he likes things to be the way he sees them in his head.  He also gets inpatient at times, meaning he likes people to understand what he is saying, and it is good to pay attention when he is talking.
We had some fears about his starting school.  However Tony really loves school  He is learning to read, and his teacher is very impressed with him.  He often comes home with a sticker.  Tony loves to read books, and have stories read to him.
I think the bottom line is even though statistically there are things to look out for, each baby and each child is an individual.  And love can overcome lots of obstacles, but not all.  It is good to be aware of what problems to look for, but also help your child meet his full potential.

A Really Bad Adoption Story, ****The Disappeared (to history blog)

The Disappeared is the story about a baby, whose parents were killed when he was five months old.  It is about Argentina's Dirty War, and about "The Disappeared."  It is directed by Peter Sanders.  I watched it through Netflix DVD.  It was in Spanish with subtitles.  It is suspected as many as 400 babies were taken, and adopted by other families.  Of these 77 have been discovered.

Horacio with his mother as a baby

http://www.thedisappearedmovie.com/english.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3585031.stm
Horacio, did not know who he was until he was 25.  He had been adopted as a baby.  However he had inklings he did not fit in.  His physical appearance was different from that of his birth family.  He did not really feel loved. As a result, as a teenager he was depressed.  He contemplated suicide, he had thoughts of throwing himself off an upper story apartment.  It wasn't until when he was 25 that his girlfriend encouraged him to seek out his past, and to resolve his doubts.

Horacio went to a program called "Las Abuelas" (The Grandmothers.)  Through this program they were able to perform DNA testing, and prove that he was in fact the birth child of a couple from "The Disappeared."  Before receiving the results of the DNA testing he confronted his adoptive parents (or kidnapper parents depending on where your sympathies lie) and asked them, "Am I your son?"  The answer was, "In our hearts yes, but biologically no."

With the DNA results Horacio was able to piece together his history.  His parents had been married, put were also at odds with the government.  His parents were heavily involved in social causes, and perhaps they also were part of the Monteneros (radical Peronista group) or perhaps just caught in the government sweep of radicals which was going on at the time.  Horacio's father, Adriano, was killed in Cordoba.  His mother, in Buenos Aires, went into hiding.  When the baby was five months old, there was a military action against the apartment where she and others were hid.  The military placed a bomb in the stairwell and destroyed most of the apartment.  They also shot at them from across the street.  Lina,  Horacio's mother, put him in a cupboard and covered him with blankets and pillows and mattress.  This saved his life.  She was killed received eight wounds.  Her baby was uninjured.  He was taken by Lt Col Hernan Tefzlaff.  His brother-in-law wanted to adopt a baby.  However in the end his wife did not want the child.  The maid of Colonel Tefzlaff stepped forward and asked if she could take the baby.  There was the chance he would have been disposed of otherwise.  This took place, however, in an air of secrecy and fear.  

This secrecy was broken after 25 years.  Horacio was able to re-embrace his birth family, cousins and uncles.  His greatest regret, is that all of his grandparents had passed away, the last five years earlier.  One of his grandmothers had committed suicide, perhaps partially from the  trauma of these events.  He has uncles and aunts and cousins, who have a similar appearance.  He has been able to discover the remains of his parents, and removed then from unmarked graves or coffins, and give them proper funerals.  He now works with Las Abuelas, reaching out to others who may be "stolen" orphans.  

As for his adoptive parents, the results have not been so pleasant.  His adoptive mother has a broken heart over the son she raised as her own, with her daughter, who now does not want any thing to do with her.  Also she and her husband both spent time in jail, as they hid the truth, and falsified documents so as to be able to adopt Horacio (Cesar is his adoptive name.)  Living with a secret, even if there is an air of danger because of the military situation, is not healthy for anyone.

In applying this story to our adoption story, Tony has turned five this week.  His physical characteristics are nothing like ours.  Tony is tall and skinny, while both Sheri and I are short and plump (polite word.)  Tony's hair is curly, and the only curly hair in our family is through in-laws and cousins (Charity's Anthony and Dianna's Mark.)  However we love Tony every day, and let him know to us he is a miracle and a blessing.  We love him, and try to tell him these in word and action.  He knows he is adopted, and because of this he is special.  We have shared pictures of his birth parents with him from "Facebook."  We also share notes and messages they pass along.  However we also feel we are walking a type rope.  How do you introduce physical contact?  How do you make sure you baby is same emotionally and physically?  These are questions we are still answering as we live this life.

discussion on adoption 6: retelling the story, trust

Tony's favorite thing in the world, is to hear his story, and we tell it to him over and over.  He will say, "tell me the mommy story," "tell me the daddy story" or "tell me the baby story."  By all of these he means, tell me the story of how I became part of the family.  If you start telling any other story, he will stop you and get you on the right track.

There was a little boy named Tony who was born in the hospital early, and he had to stay in the hospital for almost two weeks.  He had a birth mommy, but the birth mommy couldn't take him home, and so a mommy and a daddy were found.  The mommy visited him in the hospital, and they were so happy when they could take the boy home to be with their family.  He was a teeny tiny baby, and wore tiny diapers.  But he started to grow,  When he weighed eight pounds, he went to stay with another family for a few months, but the mommy and daddy were so happy when their boy came back to them.  A few more months and the judge said he could stay with them forever.  And then the were able to take him to the temple, where they were all dressed in white, and he was sealed to them forever.  Tony likes the tory from the perspective of all those involved, and to think about how they felt.  He finds comfort in the story.

He also likes to see his picture from when he was a tiny baby.  He insists that a copy of this picture hang on our fridge.  He loves to share it with others.

I have been at a training this week, and this has included looking at loss in children.  Tony went through his share of loss, all before he was 13 months old.  He was taken from his mother and placed in the hospital as he had low birth weight and some kidney problems.  He was brought to our house, from the hospital.  However he was removed from us at two months to lie with  cousin.  The cousin loved him and took good care of him, but for reasons beyond her control he was removed , another loss for Tony, and brought back to us.  For this reason we were so adamant about his not  being moved again.

Tony during this period, according to Erik Erikson, was working on issues of trust.  I would hope he has now dealt with those issues of trust.  Sometimes I see him still testing, making sure someone will be there to love him when he wakes up, expecting his mother to read his mind sometimes to meet his wants, expecting someone to find his toy.

It is interesting, that at the training another member told the story of her adopted daughter, playing a scenario over and over of her mother picking up an orphaned monkey.  I think this is similar to what Tony does with his telling of the story.  Looking for safety in the story, and faith that this family is permanent.

Discussion of Adoption: Part Five, "I don't need two moms"

Sheri was talking to her adopted niece at Charity's wedding.  She is in an open relative adoption.  As such she has a birth mom and her adopted mother, with whom she has lived since she was newborn.  Her birth mother is a Facebook friend. Sometimes her birth mother will provide motherly advice.  The niece's comment with regards to this was, "I don't need two moms."  The sense I get from m neice, is that sometimes things can be overwhelming.
I learned early on in doing foster care and adoption work that their are three parents in a child's life--the birth parent, legal parent and the love parent.  Each of these parents is important.  Normally they are vested in the same person, however in an adoption they are not.

The birth parent is the person that gives life to the child.  They leave a lasting impression on the child, as he is loved in the womb, and as her traits, habits and wants are passed through her genes to the baby. 

The legal parent is the person or couple who are making legal decisions for the child.  In an adoption, the court relinquishes this, and gives this to the adoptive family.  The legal parent determines where the person lives, and signs consent for medical treatment.  They hold the right to confidentiality, and have the right to view records with regards to the child. 

The love parent, is the day-to-day parent.  It does not imply that he birth parent does not love the child, but the love-parent is the parent that is there, for the child to turn to.  The parent is who changes the dirty bum, wipes the snotty nose, cleans up the vomit and pee.  This is the parent to calms the child after a night mare, who misses sleep feeding or comforting a child who doesn't sleep through the night.  The birth parent gets to play toesey games, muss the hair, and get snuggles.  This is the role that loses sleep, but gets all the rewards.  This is the teaching parent.  That teaches the child how to dress, his colors and his abc's.

And so the child is influenced by each of these three parental roles.  He will always carry the looks of the birth parents, and many of their traits and likes.  However this will also be influenced and molded by the love parent. 

The dilemma I face now, is how much involvement the birth parent family should have iwth our Tony.  The adoption is not open, but still we have contact.  There will come a time when Tony will be able to conceptualize those three parental roles.  When he will realize that he did not come out of my wife's tummy, but the tummy of his birth mother.  I think when we gets to that point, it would naturally follow that he would like to meet his birth parent.  That, at least is what I'm thinking.

I am thinking that at some point we will want Tony to get with his birth family, so he can understand more of his physical features, and his personality.  My dilemma is when that should be.  I don't have all the answers.

Discussion on Adoption: Part Four; Talking with Young Children About Adoption

This is a break from the book I have been reading; and my thoughts on the first chapter of the book "Talking to Your Young Child About Adoption."  This book was written by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher and  published by Yale University Press in 1993.

The first chapter is titled "From Telling to Sharing: Changes in Adoption Practice."  The theme of this chapter is that adoptees who grow up with the knowledge of their adoption are better adjusted as adults.  "Many adult adoptees resented having been adopted access to their history, as though they were still children to be protected from a shameful truth... Adult adoptees have described the feelings of unreality that came form never being able to fit together the pieces of their life.  Many intuitively sensed that there were secrets in their household, but they were left alone with the often frightening fantasies of what those secrets might be."  (p. 3)

However the book also points out that these feeling do not have to occur.  "Those who have been told about their adoption early and in a positive way had a sense of 'well-being' of being 'special,' and of having something to be 'proud' of." (p. 4)

And so that brings us to the dilemma that I have been struggling with lately.  Those who are told early that they are adopted, and told in a positive light, are better adjusted.   So how early is the proper time, and how do you make sure that it leaves your child feeling special.  The authors continue, "Notice how the fact of being adopted varies in meaning from being a source of pride to being something shameful, depending on how and when the child is told." (p. 4)  And so timing is a key here.  I think Anthony knows he is adopted, and we tell him he is special because of this all the time.  However I am not sure how much he conceptualizes.  I think that is still to come.

Another critical factor here is the attitude of others towards adoption.  Others includes those in your extended family, as well as those in the community.  "Despite a climate of seeming acceptance, even praise, adoptive parents have to deal with subtle and not so subtle cultural prejudices against adoption."  (p. 8)

The chapter concludes with this statement, "...Being adopted is not merely survivable but can be enriching and deepening."  I know we love our adoption journey, and hop Anthony does as well.

Discussion of Adoption: Part Three

I previously published a blog based on the book, “Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew.”  (See July 1 2010)  It has taken me a long time to get back to this book, but I am now ready to talk about the second thing on the list; “I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.” 

Instead of responding with my criticisms of the book, as I have done in the past.  I just want to comment on what I have learned, and what I might use.   

The definition the author proposes for adoption loss is: “Surely the adopted child has areas of strength and average ability like everyone else… and surely the adopted child has larger areas, or different areas, of emotional weakness than most people do.”  Some of these areas of need a child might have include: “Depression. Rage. Bewilderment. Confusion about identity.  Fear of loss.  Shame.  Lack of direction.  Lack of emotional stamina.  Low stress tolerance.  Floating anxiety.”

Our Tony is three and a half, and so some of these issues may be based on his age.  However what seems to be issues he is dealing with now are lack of emotional stamina and low stress tolerance.  He does seem to have direction, and is able to get his needs met.   However in his play he seems to become frustrated easily.  And when he is frustrated, he begins to yell.  He also gets frustrated more easily when he is tired.  If I am talking about something related to adoption, or something related to his age and his having a nap or not, I don’t know.     

The author quotes Dr. Foster Cline, well know pediatric doctor.  "Nowadays I believe most adopted children have vulnerability. And the politically correct thing to say is that their genetics may be 'fragile.'  All this has been proven to affect the developing neurons.  Stress and substance abuse in pregnancy do not just cause psychological problems.  They cause wiring or neurological problems."

The author has a list of possible special needs.  Those that might apply to Tony are:

Emotional Needs:

I need help in learning to deal with my fears of rejection—to learn that absence doesn’t mean abandonment, nor a closed door that I have done something wrong.  Tony does have some separation issues, but he is making progress.  He can now let his mother go, and wait a home with a different family member for her to return.  In fact, he often prefers to stay at home, rather than go with my wife for foster visits, unless McDonalds is going to be involved.  However in his nursery class at church, he still insists on being in the class with Sheri and the younger children, rather than moving on with the older children. 

I need help in recognizing my adoption loss and grieving it.   This one is an area I have difficulty with.  How do I bring this up, as I may project a problem when there is not one?   

I need to be assured that my birth parent’s decision not to parent me had nothing to do with anything defective in me.  This is a true statement with regards to Tony.  The courts intervened, and the parents fought against our adopting him.

Educational Needs:

I need to be taught that adoption is both wonderful and painful, presenting lifelong challenges for everyone involved.  This is part of the exciting wonderful trip, but we know not everything is going to be easy.

I need to be prepared for hurtful things others may say about adoption and about me as an adoptee.    This is an area Sheri and I both worry about.  The worry is more perceived than real.  What do people thing about us having adopted Tony?  People don’t say anything to us, but we wonder what they really think at times.   I mom says we’re too old; which may be true.

Validation Needs:

I need validation of my dual heritage (biological and adoptive).  Our Ton is of Latino American descent.  We relish the differences he has brought to our family.

I need to be assured often that I am welcome and worthy.  I try to hug Tony everyday and let him know that I accept him for who he is.  I know Sheri does the same.

I need to be reminded often by my adoptive parents that they delight in my biological differences and appreciate my birth family’s unique contribution to our family through me.  Tony’s biological differences excite me.  He is the only one in the family with curly hair.  I love his hair and his complexion.  Charity’s fiancé has curly hair, and the have the same name, Anthony.  We call Charity’s boyfriend Anthony and our boy we call Tony.  Tony is tall and skinny.  He has a hard time keeping his pants up, and his mom has a hard time finding pants that fit him.  But we love this about him.

Parental Needs:

I Need parents who are skillful at meeting their own emotional needs so that I can grow up with healthy role models and be free to focus on my development, rather than taking care of them.  I hope we take care of our junk, and don’t lay it on any of our kids.  Of course parents are just human, and we have cycles where we feel better about things, and not so good about things.  We have times when as a couple we feel good about each other, and some times not so good.  It is a struggle to not let that stuff get to the kids.

I need my adoptive and birth parent to have a noncompetitive attitude.  Without this, I will struggle with loyalty issues.  I hope I have never said anything bad about Tony’s parents.  However I am also honest and when Tony asks, will tell him why the courts allowed us to adopt him. 

Relational Needs:

I need friendships with other adoptees.  We have never thought about this part of the question.  There are other adopted children at our church, and we have pointed them out to Tony.  We are still part of the foster system, and tony has relationships with this process.  We are torn if it is good or bad for Tony to see other children come and go.

Spiritual Needs:

I need to be taught that my life narrative began before I was born and that my life is not a mistake.  We teach this to tony every day.  His favorite song is “I am a Child of God.”  We are so grateful to his birth mother for allowing him to be born, so he can share this journey with us.

I need to be taught that in this broken, hurting world, loving families are formed through adoption as well as birth.  We are so grateful to Tony for coming to our family.  The world is not all hurting and broken.  There are good things to see in the world.  I hope to share these with Tony.

I need to be taught that I have intrinsic, immutable value as a human being.  Tony is a child of God.  God has sent him her.  God has allowed us to parent him.  Tony is of immutable value.

The author includes a list of things parents can do.  She suggests the book, “Talking with Young Children about Adoption.”  I have it from the library and will reading it shortly.  She also suggests reading about art therapy.  I studied art therapy in school, and Tony loves his art, whether it be play dough, water colors or drawing.  He is able to express himself through his art.

The author’s conclusory statement for this chapter is, “Helping your child heal is largely centered on honest, productive dialogue between you and your child…  His special needs… will become deep wells of personal strength and empathy within him as he grows older.  

Lessons from my Children: Fostering; Bonding is Real

From our first foster child, and through all 33 of them, I have learned that bonding is a real process, and it doesn't matter the length of time the child is with you, you still think about them after they have moved on.With our first foster child, a six year old girl, I realized that bonding is a very real experience.  I feel the job of a foster parent is to form an attachment with the foster child, and in so doing, the child is better able to have attachments with other adults they may live with in the future.  Whether that is their birth parent, a relative, or a future foster or adoptive parent.  I will admit, I have not bonded well with every foster child, but with those I have bonded, I have had a much better experience.  I found a couple definitions of bonding: 

Science Daily

Human bonding

The term human bond, or more generally human bonding, refers to the process or formation of a close personal relationship, as between a mother and child, especially through frequent or constant association.

When pairs have favorable bonds, the nature of this bonding is usually attributed to "good" interpersonal chemistry.

The word bond derives from the 12th century Middle English word band, meaning something that binds, ties, or restrains.

Its application to interpersonal human relationships has been used intermittently ever since.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/articles/h/human_bonding.htm

Wikipedia

Human bonding is the process of development of a close, interpersonal relationship. It most commonly takes place between family members or friends, but can also develop among groups such as sporting teams and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process, and is not the same as simple liking.

Bonding typically refers to the process of attachment that develops between romantic partners, close friends, or parents and children. This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. Any two people that spend time together may form a bond.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_bonding

          The articles I have looked at, talk mostly about mothers bonding with children.  There is less said about fathers in the process.  However bonding is just as real for men as for women.  The articles talk a lot about breast feeding as an avenue to bonding.  With foster or adoptive children this has not been a possibility. 

          Each child has come to us differently, and with their own unique situation and circumstances.  We have had children removed at birth due to substance misuse, we have had a child whose mother was developmentally delayed, and we have had children who were the survivors of a great tragedy, through no fault of their parents or their own, but as a result were going through a period where their parents could not care for them. 

          We have picked up children from the shelter, from hospitals, or have had social services bring them to our home.  We have had children with us for less than a day, for less than a week, for a few months, or for over a year. 

          We have also had children from varying ethnic backgrounds.  This includes White, Latino, Filipino, Vietnamese, Chinese, Samoan, and probably more.  Also from many economic classes.

          In each circumstance there has been the chance to bond.  So without divulging names, let me talk about a few of our foster children.  From the start we had a pretty little girl.  She would toss and turn at night, and Charity, who roomed with her at the time, would get up and adjust her covers.  She was sweet.  It was during the winter, and the bush in front of our house looked bare.  She drew pictures of leaves, and taped them to the bush so it would look better. 

          We were then blessed with Tony, our “preemie,” who from the moment we held him, we loved him.  He was small, and so dependent on us, you couldn’t help but love the little guy.

          We parented one-year-old twins, and they were a handful, but they were so cute and snuggly you couldn’t help but love them.  Natalia discovered that they liked “I am a Child of God” and so we would sing them to sleep.  There older brother had the longest eye lashes.

          Then there was a six-month-old who had been sleeping in the car with his mother, and consequently his head seemed misshapen.  He is my “achooie, chooie” boy.  He would sneeze and I would do the “achooie, chooie” against his forehead and then he would laugh.  He was fun.

          We have had babies that were the most beautiful things you have ever seen.  I really mean beautiful.  There was a baby with dark Samoan skin, another with the deepest blue eyes. 

          Then we had a three-year-old girl going on 17.  She was so sophisticated and clever.  It was during gymnastics season and she went to the finals meet with us, and enjoyed being on the mats with Charity after the meet. 

          We had our two-year old terror, who was so mischievous you just had to love him.  He loved his father, which was OK because we worked with the courts to get him back with his father.  He was also looking at escaping, and actually did on one occasion when my daughter was getting married.  That was fun.

          We had a little go that came to us behind developmentally.  We worked with him and he actually caught up.  He was our joy.  It has been fun to watch him develop over the years.  He too is with his father now. 

          We parented a single mother and her baby.  She was only 15, and her situation was chaotic.  I would supervise visits between she, the baby and the baby’s father at the mall.  I didn’t enjoy that because it was just too busy.

          We had the most beautiful little girl, who was in our house with three boys.  She had to struggle to hold her own with them, but she did.  When Natalia was married, she had a diaper blow out.  Now that was an experience, but we survived it, and those things happen.  It is part of the territory. 

          We have had sibling groups, and sometimes that is harder, as they seem to argue more, and bother each other more.

          Not all of our placements have been totally successful.  We had difficulty bonded with a young man who introduced himself to us by stealing Miranda’s Ipod.  We knew he had taken it, but it wasn’t until a couple months later that we finally discovered he had given it to a girl at school.  Miranda got it back.  It is harder to bond in that kind of a situation.

          Bonding takes longer with some children.  This could be due to autism or other developmental delay.  However even though the process is slower, it still happens.

          This fostering experience has not been just me.  It has been fun to see other members of the family bond with the children who have crossed our threshold.  Sometimes the bonding is very good, at sometimes, when our birth children have busy scheduled, it takes longer.  We have tried to have the kids involved in the older kids’ sports and activities.  That has lead to some good experiences, and some not so good.  We no longer go to the same concert at the high school.  They usually have two because of the auditorium capacity, so we take turns attending.  Also we have left events, because sometimes little people just can’t handle the length of the event.   Sometimes we are chasing out in the hall, or wherever, and only paying half attention.  Those things happen, and are part of the bonding process.  

          I hope I have been able to have a positive impact on the children who have come into our home.  Sometimes, you wonder ehen you never see them again.

         

Lessons From My Children: Anthony; Have a Good Time.

    
Anthony's story of how he became a part of our family is remarkable.  He was born six weeks early, and shortly after his being born, Social Services informed us that he would be coming to our home.  We had recently been licensed as foster parents, and he was our second foster child.  We were a little bit wary, having had no experience with parenting a preemie.  Sheri visited him in the hospital a couple times, and visited with the nurses before bringing him home. He was born four pounds seven ounces, and when he came to our home at two weeks weighed about five pounds. He was the love of our life from his first coming home.  Man those preemie diapers are small.

His only medical problem after that has been his kidneys retaining too much water.  But that has pretty much resolved itself as he has gotten older.  They were also worried about the strength of his legs.  But with climbing up stairs, and jumping on trampoline, his legs are as strong as anyone's his age.  He now enjoys climbing trees, the wall the shelf etc.  He's Spider Man you know.

My proudest moment with Tony, when he was small, was taking him to my older son's Marine graduation. I had him in a carrier, and people so much wanted to see the beautiful baby.  He was still small, but such a beautiful boy.  I didn't tell anyone he was our foster baby; just our baby.

But, unfortunately, our happiness with Tony was short lived.  Social Services found a relative placement for him, with cousins, and after he was with us only two months he moved on.  I went to the exchange, which took place at the shelter.  He weighed eight pounds when he left us.  We really didn't think we would ever see Tony again. 

But who knows how things work.  About ten months later, after his first birthday, Social Services called us to inform us he was available for placement. We jumped at the opportunity.  Our baby boy was coming back home.

We were close to Tony from the first moment he came to our home, both times.  We have loved him.  He was very easy to love. After a child has been in your home six months you can petition for de facto parent status.  This we did as soon as we could.  And so we were then more involved in the court process.  Social Services has a general philosophy of placing with relatives, no matter the circumstance; so much so that even after his mother's parental rights were terminated, they found a relative placement for him.

When Tony became available for adoption we wanted him to stay with us, forever.  We did not feel it would be good for him to move to another home.  Social Services, having found a family, and after his being with us for almost a year altogether, developed a plan to move him, to family members he didn't really even know.  We felt Tony was already home, and that a further loss (he had bonded to us) would not be good for him.  He had already gone through three removals--loses in essence, and didn't need another one.  They went so far as to take our little baby by car, over an hour away for a visit.  We understood he cried all the way there.  Poor little Tony.

Tony developed a funny habit during this time.  He started seeking out Sheri's blouses when for whatever reason he couldn't have Sheri.  It was cute, but an indication to us that he was overwhelmed with things in his life he couldn't control, and found some comfort with Sheri's smell.  He preferred dirty ones from the hamper, but would take a clean one from the closet if he couldn't get to the hamper.

And so a court contest ensued.  We petitioned the court to not move him, and discontinue visits, which had started with the new family.  Visits were continued, but on a pared down basis.  The court decided to have hearings with regards to determining the placement.
This process seemed to drag on forever.

Generally the court sides with social services.  However there was a precedent of another case being decided in favor of a foster family.  County Counsel was representing social services, recommending movement to the relative home.   The County Attorney's office, which represented Tony, was fighting for him to stay with us.  We finally got our own attorney as well.

After numerous postponings, we finally made it to court.  The deciding testimony was that of Tony's pediatric MD, who was an expert on loss and separation, and told the judge that moving Tony would be detrimental, making him more susceptible to separation issues and ADHD.  What a great day when the judge ruled in our favor and decided Tony would stay with us.

Tony's adoption was finalized April 15 2009.  He was two years, two months at that time.   When he was adopted, Tony slept.  We celebrated at BJs.

Another big day for Tony was his sealing day at the temple.  We went out to celebrate before, because of people's schedule.  Sheri went to the car to change his butt, and left her purse as we were leaving soon.  Someone broke the window and took off with the purse, in that little time.  What a stunner, as the purse contained the documents we needed for the temple, as well as the recommends for most of our party.  Tony's older siblings were going to the temple as well.

With calls to our neighbor, who was able to fax the documents, and the Bishop being there to verify temple worthiness for everyone, we got the sealing done.  Tony wasn't happy until after.  He had to ride in a car with a broken window, and couldn't sleep like he normally did in the car.

It is a joy to have Tony as our son.  Tony reminds us every day that it is important to have a good time.  I took him to the library and he got to play on the computer, and climb on the seats, and look at books and after he said, "We had a good time."  I have taken him to the park and he swung like a “monkey” on the bar, and he pretended to be Spider Man in the swing and shot his pretend webs, and kicked me in the belly as I pretended to be the monster.  We would go by the creek and he threw stones into the water and I picked black berries. 

We have a good time.  He loves to bounce in bouncy hoses, he loves to play with his toys, and he loves McDonald's for the new toys.  Tony has the most winning smile.  His face is so expressive.  He has a good time, and in doing so has reminded us all that it is OK to have fun. 

After we moved to Manteca, Tony and I took the task of visiting all the parks so as to decide which we liked the most.  At that time we were looking for the best Spider Man net.  Now Tony prefers the monkey bars.  He loves to swing, and he has incredible upper body strength for his age and can do many tricks.  I can't remember exactly what the psychiatrist on MASH said, something like "Pull down your pants and slide on the ice."  That is our Tony.

Tony has a different lesson to teach.  This one is service.   He will bring candy and cookies to you.  He loved handing out candy for Halloween.  He will also do little things for you, without being asked, when he sees there is a need. 

Along with his service is his great faith.  He says the most outstanding prayers.  He has many things to tell Heavenly Father.  He is thankful for opportunities to play with his friends, for little things people do for him, for school, and for his momma.

Tony, like all our babies, is a miracle.  He is a miracle and we love him.

Discussion on Adoption: Part Two

I am back for another try at this theme as I slowly make my way through the book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. The two chapters I read present the first two things: 1. "I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. It is not your fault." 2. "I need to be taught that I have special needs rising our of adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed."

I agree with the author, adopted children suffer a loss, no matter how young they are. However I really had a hard time getting my head around the second chapter. Dwelling on the loss, and the "special needs" at first seems like picking a scab over and over. It really does nothing to heal, but just keeps festering the wound. I do like that the author admits that all children are different, and have their own needs, "...Each adoptee is unique. Study your child, enter into play with her, observe her interacting with others. All these activities will enable you to compile a list of your particular child's special needs."

As our Tony has temper tantrums, or behavior that is more active than we would like, I wonder how much of that is due to his loss experiences, how much is due to interaction with other foster children who weren't always well behaved, how much is being three-years-old, how much is being tired etc. There is no exact science with people.

In dealing with Tony, I like the advice of Lloyd Newell, narrator for the Tabernacle Choir who is quoting a medical doctor, "The key to our survival is love. When we love someone, and feel loved by them, somehow along the way our suffering subsides. Our deepest wounds begin healing. Our hearts start to feel safe enough to be vulnerable, and open a little wider. We begin experiencing our own emotions and the feelings of those around us."

Maybe I am naive in thinking we can love our ways through anything, but I focus every day on making sure Tony knows that I love him. I try to validate him. I let him know I love him because he is different than the rest of the family. I love his curly hair, that he is tall and skinny, that his skin is darker, that he has a sharp chin. I also support him in the things he likes to do. He loves Spider Man. He likes different movies and T.V. shows than I do. But I watch "Dinosaur Tales" and enjoy his movies.

I revel in the Miracle of Tony and how he came to us, even though it wasn't by traditional means. His birth was a miracle and I am thankful to his birth mother for this. His adoption was also a miracle. I let Tony know how much of a miracle he is, as I have done with my birth children.

I just want to also approach things with caution. I go by the axiom, Don't make things worse." I feel if we dwell too much on something, we may give the depression someone is defective or less than someone else. I do not want to do this. A solid foundation of love can heal many wounds, and that is what Sheri and I hope to create, is a loving and accepting environment.
http://billywardlefamily.blogspot.com/2010/06/adoption-theories.html

Discussion on Adoption: Part One

ADOPTION IS PRECIOUS

Sheri and I are both reading books about adoption. They both have a similar theory. The book Sheri is reading is called "Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. I am reading a book titled "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew." It starts with the same theory the other book is based upon, that of the primal wound, or loss of the mother. The author, Sherie Eldridge, adopted as a baby, tries to put is into the mind of a baby, "The baby lies quietly in each person's arm, seemingly oblivious to all that is happening around her. However,no one knows that beneath that crisp white dress is a grieving heart ... a heart that wonders where Mommy is. Her smell. The sound of her voice. Her heartbeat. Her body. Where did she go?"

I have a hard time with people putting themselves in the minds of a baby. Who knows what a baby is thinking? Are they thinking at all? They don't have the benefit of language. And any baby, whether adopted or not is going through a shock at this time. After being in mother's womb for nine months, they are in a totally different environment. That is traumatic as they adjust to temperature, eating, bodily functions. Any parent can tell you babies are a lot of work, and cry a lot, and are bad sleepers. Signs of entity being stressed.

I do belief any removal from a parent is traumatizing, even at birth. But is this a primal wound? Sure the rhythm has changed. The heartbeat has changed. There is a loss, even for a newborn. But is that a primal change, or a step in life similar to any step of maturation?

Our Tony would go through multiple losses before becoming a permanent part of our family. His first two weeks were spent in the NICU as he was six weeks premature. He was apart from his birth mother, although she visited. After he had been there a week, my wife also began to visit him, anticipating his coming to our house and learning how to care for him.

How we loved him when he came home! I had never held such a small baby, and my heart was his so quickly. He was interested in eating, and pooped and peed like any baby. We felt so close to him, and felt he also felt close to us.

This relationship was not to continue however. At two months, social services found a cousin who was willing to take him in a foster adopt situation. And so our little Tony experienced another loss, as he left our arms, our heartbeats and mannerisms and rhythms.

The biggest miracle of our lives was when Tony came back to us, shortly after his first birthday. His placement with the cousin did not work for no fault of the cousin or Tony. Just a few days before my daughter had reminded us that Tony had turned one. And now he was coming to us again.

However this represented another loss in his young life. We could tell he had been loved and well cared for, but three losses by just a few days of one-year-old must have been hard on our little boy.

Even with that, social services wanted to move him again. This was after the termination of the mother's rights and he was free for adoption. They found relatives, great great aunt and uncle who were in a position to take him. However they did not know him, and he did not know them. They started visits, and even one time took him on a day trip to this home. Tony cried all the way there, another trauma.

During this time Tony developed an idiosyncracy in which he would seek out his Mom's clothing to carry around with him. It was more pronounced when he was visiting frequently. Tony was worried about losing his Mommy, but this time it was my wife, his foster mom.

Fortunately we prevailed in court, and social services was not able to move him again. this was mostly due to the testimony of Dr. Kleine, pediatrician and expert on children's loss and separation. He told the judge it would cause harm to Tony to move him again. That convinced the judge to let him stay with us. We had already bonded with Tony, and felt he was home.

We have since finalized his adoption, and he is sealed to us in the temple. Tony is bonded with us,and we with him. At this stage in his life we are his family, his mother and father. As he goes through life, I am sure the issue of his adoption will come up, and we will deal with it. We will talk openly, and hopefully be able to accept Tony's feelings about his adoption. However I do not like the term "Primal Wound." Of course there is loss and separation. And people grief and move on. Sometimes the grief reappears during life, and then you deal with it again. Primal makes it sound so deep you can't move on. That I don't agree with.

So much for now. I am only in the second chapter so will keep you posted as I read more.

Anthony

We have finally gotten word that court for finalizing Anthony's adoption is April 15. It is a date we have been waiting for for more than 9 months and it is finally here. Sometimes it felt as if we would never have a date, but we do.
Anthony is a miracle baby. His birth mother was only 17 when he was born. He was born 7 weeks early, and only weighed 4 pounds 7 ounces. If he had been born several years ago, he would not have survived. It is only in the past 10 years that the medical profession have developed the technology to keep such tiny babies alive.
What is even more a miracle is that he does not have any permanent effects of his early birth. He had some kidney blockage, but with age that has gone away. He is still small for his age, but he was born almost two months early. He has some weakness in his legs, but he seems to be overcoming this with exercise. He is very strong in his upper body.
Anthony is such a cute boy. He has dark curly hair. He has brown eyes. He has soft lips. He is fun as his whole face shows emotion. He has a contagious laugh. He loves to tease his mom and I and then laughs and laughs. He will put a blanket over your face when you're watching t.v. and then laugh. He will jump just out of Sheri's reach when she is trying to put him into his car seat. He is a fun tease.
He likes dinosaurs. He took some to church this week. Sheri had assumed they would be quiet toys. However Tony provided the sound effects for them. He RAWRed so loud with them that it was almost embarrassing. Almost, but truthfully I thought it was cute. Tony is a good boy.