Discussion on Adoption: Part One

ADOPTION IS PRECIOUS

Sheri and I are both reading books about adoption. They both have a similar theory. The book Sheri is reading is called "Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. I am reading a book titled "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew." It starts with the same theory the other book is based upon, that of the primal wound, or loss of the mother. The author, Sherie Eldridge, adopted as a baby, tries to put is into the mind of a baby, "The baby lies quietly in each person's arm, seemingly oblivious to all that is happening around her. However,no one knows that beneath that crisp white dress is a grieving heart ... a heart that wonders where Mommy is. Her smell. The sound of her voice. Her heartbeat. Her body. Where did she go?"

I have a hard time with people putting themselves in the minds of a baby. Who knows what a baby is thinking? Are they thinking at all? They don't have the benefit of language. And any baby, whether adopted or not is going through a shock at this time. After being in mother's womb for nine months, they are in a totally different environment. That is traumatic as they adjust to temperature, eating, bodily functions. Any parent can tell you babies are a lot of work, and cry a lot, and are bad sleepers. Signs of entity being stressed.

I do belief any removal from a parent is traumatizing, even at birth. But is this a primal wound? Sure the rhythm has changed. The heartbeat has changed. There is a loss, even for a newborn. But is that a primal change, or a step in life similar to any step of maturation?

Our Tony would go through multiple losses before becoming a permanent part of our family. His first two weeks were spent in the NICU as he was six weeks premature. He was apart from his birth mother, although she visited. After he had been there a week, my wife also began to visit him, anticipating his coming to our house and learning how to care for him.

How we loved him when he came home! I had never held such a small baby, and my heart was his so quickly. He was interested in eating, and pooped and peed like any baby. We felt so close to him, and felt he also felt close to us.

This relationship was not to continue however. At two months, social services found a cousin who was willing to take him in a foster adopt situation. And so our little Tony experienced another loss, as he left our arms, our heartbeats and mannerisms and rhythms.

The biggest miracle of our lives was when Tony came back to us, shortly after his first birthday. His placement with the cousin did not work for no fault of the cousin or Tony. Just a few days before my daughter had reminded us that Tony had turned one. And now he was coming to us again.

However this represented another loss in his young life. We could tell he had been loved and well cared for, but three losses by just a few days of one-year-old must have been hard on our little boy.

Even with that, social services wanted to move him again. This was after the termination of the mother's rights and he was free for adoption. They found relatives, great great aunt and uncle who were in a position to take him. However they did not know him, and he did not know them. They started visits, and even one time took him on a day trip to this home. Tony cried all the way there, another trauma.

During this time Tony developed an idiosyncracy in which he would seek out his Mom's clothing to carry around with him. It was more pronounced when he was visiting frequently. Tony was worried about losing his Mommy, but this time it was my wife, his foster mom.

Fortunately we prevailed in court, and social services was not able to move him again. this was mostly due to the testimony of Dr. Kleine, pediatrician and expert on children's loss and separation. He told the judge it would cause harm to Tony to move him again. That convinced the judge to let him stay with us. We had already bonded with Tony, and felt he was home.

We have since finalized his adoption, and he is sealed to us in the temple. Tony is bonded with us,and we with him. At this stage in his life we are his family, his mother and father. As he goes through life, I am sure the issue of his adoption will come up, and we will deal with it. We will talk openly, and hopefully be able to accept Tony's feelings about his adoption. However I do not like the term "Primal Wound." Of course there is loss and separation. And people grief and move on. Sometimes the grief reappears during life, and then you deal with it again. Primal makes it sound so deep you can't move on. That I don't agree with.

So much for now. I am only in the second chapter so will keep you posted as I read more.