Discussion on Adoption: Part Four; Talking with Young Children About Adoption

This is a break from the book I have been reading; and my thoughts on the first chapter of the book "Talking to Your Young Child About Adoption."  This book was written by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher and  published by Yale University Press in 1993.

The first chapter is titled "From Telling to Sharing: Changes in Adoption Practice."  The theme of this chapter is that adoptees who grow up with the knowledge of their adoption are better adjusted as adults.  "Many adult adoptees resented having been adopted access to their history, as though they were still children to be protected from a shameful truth... Adult adoptees have described the feelings of unreality that came form never being able to fit together the pieces of their life.  Many intuitively sensed that there were secrets in their household, but they were left alone with the often frightening fantasies of what those secrets might be."  (p. 3)

However the book also points out that these feeling do not have to occur.  "Those who have been told about their adoption early and in a positive way had a sense of 'well-being' of being 'special,' and of having something to be 'proud' of." (p. 4)

And so that brings us to the dilemma that I have been struggling with lately.  Those who are told early that they are adopted, and told in a positive light, are better adjusted.   So how early is the proper time, and how do you make sure that it leaves your child feeling special.  The authors continue, "Notice how the fact of being adopted varies in meaning from being a source of pride to being something shameful, depending on how and when the child is told." (p. 4)  And so timing is a key here.  I think Anthony knows he is adopted, and we tell him he is special because of this all the time.  However I am not sure how much he conceptualizes.  I think that is still to come.

Another critical factor here is the attitude of others towards adoption.  Others includes those in your extended family, as well as those in the community.  "Despite a climate of seeming acceptance, even praise, adoptive parents have to deal with subtle and not so subtle cultural prejudices against adoption."  (p. 8)

The chapter concludes with this statement, "...Being adopted is not merely survivable but can be enriching and deepening."  I know we love our adoption journey, and hop Anthony does as well.