discussion on adoption 6: retelling the story, trust

Tony's favorite thing in the world, is to hear his story, and we tell it to him over and over.  He will say, "tell me the mommy story," "tell me the daddy story" or "tell me the baby story."  By all of these he means, tell me the story of how I became part of the family.  If you start telling any other story, he will stop you and get you on the right track.

There was a little boy named Tony who was born in the hospital early, and he had to stay in the hospital for almost two weeks.  He had a birth mommy, but the birth mommy couldn't take him home, and so a mommy and a daddy were found.  The mommy visited him in the hospital, and they were so happy when they could take the boy home to be with their family.  He was a teeny tiny baby, and wore tiny diapers.  But he started to grow,  When he weighed eight pounds, he went to stay with another family for a few months, but the mommy and daddy were so happy when their boy came back to them.  A few more months and the judge said he could stay with them forever.  And then the were able to take him to the temple, where they were all dressed in white, and he was sealed to them forever.  Tony likes the tory from the perspective of all those involved, and to think about how they felt.  He finds comfort in the story.

He also likes to see his picture from when he was a tiny baby.  He insists that a copy of this picture hang on our fridge.  He loves to share it with others.

I have been at a training this week, and this has included looking at loss in children.  Tony went through his share of loss, all before he was 13 months old.  He was taken from his mother and placed in the hospital as he had low birth weight and some kidney problems.  He was brought to our house, from the hospital.  However he was removed from us at two months to lie with  cousin.  The cousin loved him and took good care of him, but for reasons beyond her control he was removed , another loss for Tony, and brought back to us.  For this reason we were so adamant about his not  being moved again.

Tony during this period, according to Erik Erikson, was working on issues of trust.  I would hope he has now dealt with those issues of trust.  Sometimes I see him still testing, making sure someone will be there to love him when he wakes up, expecting his mother to read his mind sometimes to meet his wants, expecting someone to find his toy.

It is interesting, that at the training another member told the story of her adopted daughter, playing a scenario over and over of her mother picking up an orphaned monkey.  I think this is similar to what Tony does with his telling of the story.  Looking for safety in the story, and faith that this family is permanent.