Lessons from my Children: Fostering; Bonding is Real

From our first foster child, and through all 33 of them, I have learned that bonding is a real process, and it doesn't matter the length of time the child is with you, you still think about them after they have moved on.With our first foster child, a six year old girl, I realized that bonding is a very real experience.  I feel the job of a foster parent is to form an attachment with the foster child, and in so doing, the child is better able to have attachments with other adults they may live with in the future.  Whether that is their birth parent, a relative, or a future foster or adoptive parent.  I will admit, I have not bonded well with every foster child, but with those I have bonded, I have had a much better experience.  I found a couple definitions of bonding: 

Science Daily

Human bonding

The term human bond, or more generally human bonding, refers to the process or formation of a close personal relationship, as between a mother and child, especially through frequent or constant association.

When pairs have favorable bonds, the nature of this bonding is usually attributed to "good" interpersonal chemistry.

The word bond derives from the 12th century Middle English word band, meaning something that binds, ties, or restrains.

Its application to interpersonal human relationships has been used intermittently ever since.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/articles/h/human_bonding.htm

Wikipedia

Human bonding is the process of development of a close, interpersonal relationship. It most commonly takes place between family members or friends, but can also develop among groups such as sporting teams and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process, and is not the same as simple liking.

Bonding typically refers to the process of attachment that develops between romantic partners, close friends, or parents and children. This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. Any two people that spend time together may form a bond.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_bonding

          The articles I have looked at, talk mostly about mothers bonding with children.  There is less said about fathers in the process.  However bonding is just as real for men as for women.  The articles talk a lot about breast feeding as an avenue to bonding.  With foster or adoptive children this has not been a possibility. 

          Each child has come to us differently, and with their own unique situation and circumstances.  We have had children removed at birth due to substance misuse, we have had a child whose mother was developmentally delayed, and we have had children who were the survivors of a great tragedy, through no fault of their parents or their own, but as a result were going through a period where their parents could not care for them. 

          We have picked up children from the shelter, from hospitals, or have had social services bring them to our home.  We have had children with us for less than a day, for less than a week, for a few months, or for over a year. 

          We have also had children from varying ethnic backgrounds.  This includes White, Latino, Filipino, Vietnamese, Chinese, Samoan, and probably more.  Also from many economic classes.

          In each circumstance there has been the chance to bond.  So without divulging names, let me talk about a few of our foster children.  From the start we had a pretty little girl.  She would toss and turn at night, and Charity, who roomed with her at the time, would get up and adjust her covers.  She was sweet.  It was during the winter, and the bush in front of our house looked bare.  She drew pictures of leaves, and taped them to the bush so it would look better. 

          We were then blessed with Tony, our “preemie,” who from the moment we held him, we loved him.  He was small, and so dependent on us, you couldn’t help but love the little guy.

          We parented one-year-old twins, and they were a handful, but they were so cute and snuggly you couldn’t help but love them.  Natalia discovered that they liked “I am a Child of God” and so we would sing them to sleep.  There older brother had the longest eye lashes.

          Then there was a six-month-old who had been sleeping in the car with his mother, and consequently his head seemed misshapen.  He is my “achooie, chooie” boy.  He would sneeze and I would do the “achooie, chooie” against his forehead and then he would laugh.  He was fun.

          We have had babies that were the most beautiful things you have ever seen.  I really mean beautiful.  There was a baby with dark Samoan skin, another with the deepest blue eyes. 

          Then we had a three-year-old girl going on 17.  She was so sophisticated and clever.  It was during gymnastics season and she went to the finals meet with us, and enjoyed being on the mats with Charity after the meet. 

          We had our two-year old terror, who was so mischievous you just had to love him.  He loved his father, which was OK because we worked with the courts to get him back with his father.  He was also looking at escaping, and actually did on one occasion when my daughter was getting married.  That was fun.

          We had a little go that came to us behind developmentally.  We worked with him and he actually caught up.  He was our joy.  It has been fun to watch him develop over the years.  He too is with his father now. 

          We parented a single mother and her baby.  She was only 15, and her situation was chaotic.  I would supervise visits between she, the baby and the baby’s father at the mall.  I didn’t enjoy that because it was just too busy.

          We had the most beautiful little girl, who was in our house with three boys.  She had to struggle to hold her own with them, but she did.  When Natalia was married, she had a diaper blow out.  Now that was an experience, but we survived it, and those things happen.  It is part of the territory. 

          We have had sibling groups, and sometimes that is harder, as they seem to argue more, and bother each other more.

          Not all of our placements have been totally successful.  We had difficulty bonded with a young man who introduced himself to us by stealing Miranda’s Ipod.  We knew he had taken it, but it wasn’t until a couple months later that we finally discovered he had given it to a girl at school.  Miranda got it back.  It is harder to bond in that kind of a situation.

          Bonding takes longer with some children.  This could be due to autism or other developmental delay.  However even though the process is slower, it still happens.

          This fostering experience has not been just me.  It has been fun to see other members of the family bond with the children who have crossed our threshold.  Sometimes the bonding is very good, at sometimes, when our birth children have busy scheduled, it takes longer.  We have tried to have the kids involved in the older kids’ sports and activities.  That has lead to some good experiences, and some not so good.  We no longer go to the same concert at the high school.  They usually have two because of the auditorium capacity, so we take turns attending.  Also we have left events, because sometimes little people just can’t handle the length of the event.   Sometimes we are chasing out in the hall, or wherever, and only paying half attention.  Those things happen, and are part of the bonding process.  

          I hope I have been able to have a positive impact on the children who have come into our home.  Sometimes, you wonder ehen you never see them again.