Discussion on Adoption: Part Two

I am back for another try at this theme as I slowly make my way through the book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. The two chapters I read present the first two things: 1. "I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. It is not your fault." 2. "I need to be taught that I have special needs rising our of adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed."

I agree with the author, adopted children suffer a loss, no matter how young they are. However I really had a hard time getting my head around the second chapter. Dwelling on the loss, and the "special needs" at first seems like picking a scab over and over. It really does nothing to heal, but just keeps festering the wound. I do like that the author admits that all children are different, and have their own needs, "...Each adoptee is unique. Study your child, enter into play with her, observe her interacting with others. All these activities will enable you to compile a list of your particular child's special needs."

As our Tony has temper tantrums, or behavior that is more active than we would like, I wonder how much of that is due to his loss experiences, how much is due to interaction with other foster children who weren't always well behaved, how much is being three-years-old, how much is being tired etc. There is no exact science with people.

In dealing with Tony, I like the advice of Lloyd Newell, narrator for the Tabernacle Choir who is quoting a medical doctor, "The key to our survival is love. When we love someone, and feel loved by them, somehow along the way our suffering subsides. Our deepest wounds begin healing. Our hearts start to feel safe enough to be vulnerable, and open a little wider. We begin experiencing our own emotions and the feelings of those around us."

Maybe I am naive in thinking we can love our ways through anything, but I focus every day on making sure Tony knows that I love him. I try to validate him. I let him know I love him because he is different than the rest of the family. I love his curly hair, that he is tall and skinny, that his skin is darker, that he has a sharp chin. I also support him in the things he likes to do. He loves Spider Man. He likes different movies and T.V. shows than I do. But I watch "Dinosaur Tales" and enjoy his movies.

I revel in the Miracle of Tony and how he came to us, even though it wasn't by traditional means. His birth was a miracle and I am thankful to his birth mother for this. His adoption was also a miracle. I let Tony know how much of a miracle he is, as I have done with my birth children.

I just want to also approach things with caution. I go by the axiom, Don't make things worse." I feel if we dwell too much on something, we may give the depression someone is defective or less than someone else. I do not want to do this. A solid foundation of love can heal many wounds, and that is what Sheri and I hope to create, is a loving and accepting environment.
http://billywardlefamily.blogspot.com/2010/06/adoption-theories.html